Who? What? When? Where? Huh huh huh?!?!

I have been getting a TON of questions with regards to my goals, competing, what I'm doing, what my plans are etc so I figured I would at least give ya'll a little glimpse into my head and where it's focused...consider yourself warned ;-)

Yes, training is my lifestyle and it's a daily part of who I am and at the end of the day, it's a step forward in the progression of myself physically, mentally and emotionally...but it's also about setting goals and not only reaching them but sometimes even surpassing them. With everything I've had going on the last few months, the grim reality that I may not take the stage next year became a sobering possibly..til I stood the fuck up and said "FUCK THAT"!!! This is what I do, what I love and I'll be damned if some bullshit will get in my way...sure shit comes up, but..I always...ALWAYS find my way around, over or strait fuckin through it!

Now, saying I was upset about the slop weight I put on would be a bit of an understatement (ya think??)..It makes me fucking miserable. So I took control of things, buckled down and dropped a little over 8lbs of that. Once I decided that I am not giving up on next season, I started trying to plan my course of action. I have my sights set on a hitting the WP stage again in June 2013!!!!

And then my mind starts running....

Do I continue to drop fat to feel comfortable? Do I keep trying to put on more muscle?? Why keep wasting time cutting?? That's ridiculous really..Doing cardio and dieting in the off season are a recipe for disaster..I KNOW THIS! WTF?! It's enough to make my head spin. I've been basically going at it on my own, with some advice and help from friends along the way but once I decided to compete next season, there was no doubt I needed to hand the reigns (and all the thinking) over to someone else.

I started working with a new coach, Noel Fuller a couple of weeks ago and the first thing he did is tell me to stop fuckin doing cardio ((GASP!)) and then he increased my macros!!! OMFG! As much as I don't wanna add another fuckin pound, my goal right now is to get my metabolism humming along...eat, train and grow. I still have time before I would have to start "prep" for a June show...Now's the time to take advantage of the last bit of my off season. No cardio..none, not a hot second (YAY!!!!) fueling my body well...good, productive food..NOT pints of ice cream and throwing it down in the gym.. Over the last week or so, yeah...the scale was up a few pounds but that's to be expected. More importantly, I can see the composition shift in my body...I feel a little more "solid" and less "flabby" if that makes sense lol  

Anywho that pretty much sums up where I am right now..

Still fully focused on making gains, doing work for what's left of my off season then I'll strip it all down for June!

What can I say, I love it...it's what I know :)

Lions, Tigers and Numbers...OH MY!!!

It's been a month since I've been back into the routine of life...
I have a solid month of training and nutrition under my belt and I feel like myself again.

This weekend, I got on the scale for the first time in a month. I'm not getting swept up in the number itself, it's just a tool to gauge my progress and to make sure things are moving in the right direction. I was pleasantly, but not so surprised to see an 8.6lbs drop. I can see the change in the mirror, the shape changing and physically I FEEL much better than I did a month ago so I knew there would be a shift in the scale. 

As history has proved itself, I can become a slave to the scale and to the "magic" number. I do intend on weighing myself every few weeks or so just to gauge that things are moving in the right direction. I have target numbers that I am shooting for, but it's not anything I plan on obsessing over. I have a guesstimate of the amount of body fat I am carrying so I'm shooting to get a feel for what my "comfortable/healthy" weight is. I feel 100% confident that I will not become a slave to the little evil box, but I take it as a piece of information just like logging my workouts or anything else. 

Now, lemme ramble for a hot second....

Numbers have the ability to drive people INSANE! I mentioned how much I lost, but I thought about not disclosing my actual weight...I'm not embarrassed of it or anything like that. Sure, I've never weighed this much, but I've also never carried this amount of muscle mass so really, it's all relative. The problem I have is the way people (mostly women) compare themselves to each other..I am guilty of this as well. After losing 8.6lb, I am down to 151.4lbs. I am standing at a towering 5'4" so just because we may be the same height, similar structures etc that doesn't mean we will carry the weight the same and just cause X amount of pounds looks one way on you, doesn't mean it will look the same way on me..See, what I'm getting at. I get asked by a lot of women, what I weigh, what my stage weight is, blah blah..but the reality is, IT DOES NOT MATTER! In addition to the scale and weight, clothing size is another thing..I am guilty of getting caught up in the size of my jeans, tops etc but seriously who the fuck cares!?!? With vanity sizing, brand, styles and all that bullshit..Especially the way clothing is designed, if you have ANY sort of muscle and shape, finding something that fits and looks good is no easy task..therefore, the size on the tag is meaningless. I am a size 9 for those who have asked..This is the largest size I have ever worn but I can honestly say I feel the best I have in a long time so really, why fuckin give a shit about the size?!

We are all shaped differently, carry our muscle and our body fat differently so while we can look to one another as inspiration, motivation etc...the truth is we are all unique and our genetics play the most important role in what we look like so comparisons are an exhausting waste of time and energy. 

So there are the numbers in black and white for ya....I'm 5'4", 151.4lbs and a size 9..BOOM! 

In closing, cause pictures are fun............

Fall 2011: 130lbs, Size 3

Fall 2012: 152lbs, Size 9

Meltdown! Of my sanity, not my fat...

I've been in my new place and settled for 3 weeks now, I am FINALLY in the routine again. 
I'm basically back on auto pilot. Food prep, supplements, carrying my cooler instead of a purse, hitting the gym consistently, working, sleeping and repeat..I am running on all cylinders again and it feels FABULOUS!

Unfortunately it's going to take time for my body to catch up to my mind. I have to remind myself (and I have wonderful friends who do as well lol) that it took me about 6-8wks to put the shit weight on so it's going to take some time to get off :/ FUCKER! I'm not "dieting" per se but I'm counting/weighing and measuring, hitting my macros and stepping up the intensity in the gym. My training has been decent, nothing mind blowing..no PR's or anything exciting like that. I've been doing more higher rep work since I'm still too fat for my belt..Seriously! I do miss squatting and deadlifting heavy but til I drop some fluff, Imma take it a little bit lighter. My strength and endurance are coming back, not quite to where I was a few months ago but I'm on my way.

And now for the part where I sound like a crazy bitch............

This weekend I had a slight (or severe..potato, potahto) meltdown. It's been a month since I attempted to put on anything other than gym clothes...yeah, that didn't go so well :/  I don't own a single pair of pants that fit...literally, 15 pairs of pants (10 of them jeans, 2 of which I have previously ripped) and not a single pair could I button and that's if I even managed to get them over my ass. Yeah, I sat in a pile of clothes on my floor and cried....then back into the sweats I went. After a few panicked text/FB messages and a roommate who looked at me like I had lost my mind (as if I ever had it) I decided to just break down and buy new jeans :( That was about as much fun as sticking a rusty nail in my eyeballs! Shopping is a blast when you look and feel good...when it's cause you HAVE to, not so much. At any rate, I did find 2 pairs...in a size I have NEVER even tried on, let alone purchased...they were cheap cause I do NOT intend on wearing them for long. But, at least I wont be living in my gym clothes anymore. As far as tops go, thank fuckin' sweet baby Jesus for fall and hoodie weather cause if I get stuck in one more of my shirts Imma kill someone..

 
Anywho, I had my meltdown, I ranted and now I just make fun of myself...

The fire is back....

Suuuuup bitches!

In my last post, I pretty much got a lot of shit off my chest with the mess that had been my life for the last few months...Now, it's time to move forward.

While I was mentally and emotionally in a dark place, I let life rob me of my love and my passion...Bodybuilding. Over the course of 6 weeks or so, I missed more days in the gym than I made and even when I got there, my training was lack luster to say the least. My diet and supplementation were nothing short of fuckin HORRENDOUS! Barely training, eating on the go...whatever and whenever I wanted is a recipe for disaster and even I am shocked at the repercussions that I suffered.

I lost a tremendous amount of strength and stamina, my body was in pretty consistent pain/achiness. I went from getting in at LEAST 2 gallons of water a day (with ease) to running on energy drinks (and some alcoholic beverages lol)..on a good day, I'd get 2L of water.,.that leads to a beat up, dehydrated body. Since I wasn't training or feeding my body well, I wasn't taking my supplements consistently either...I felt like I had been hit by a bus :( Being fat is no fuckin joke..I put on roughly 20lbs of shit weight and it is dragging me down...physically and mentally. I say "roughly" 20lbs because I feel no need to weigh myself right now..my clothes don't fit, I look sloppy as fuck and my body is performing like it too.

Now, I am settled again..I have a consistent routine down and I am back on track. I've got a solid week of nutrition, supplementation and training under my belt. With in just a week of getting at least 1-1.5 gallons of water in and all my daily supplementation in, I physically feel MUCH better. My joints, muscles..etc, everything has improved. So people who claim that supplements are "useless" are full of shit IMO...but it's my blog and my opinion is the one that counts :) My daily staples include: Champion Nutrition Power Glutamine and Creatine, CN Fish Oil, Performance BCAA, Multi-V, Pro Flex Advance Joint support, Liver Cleanse and Muscle Nitro PM.

As much as the struggling I was dealing with fuckin sucked, beyond belief...I finally got up. I'm back on my feet and I found my fire again. I had been out of the loop for a while now and I have my work cut out for me, it's going to take time for my body to respond of course, but with my head and my heart in aligned...anything is possible and I am unstoppable.

I'm still alive...

It's been a long time since I've posted/updated my blog and it's about time I catch up...

The last few months have been nothing short of a roller coaster ride that I wanted to jump off of, the last 6 weeks in particular have been some of the most difficult of my life. Life has thrown me some curve balls that I wasn't prepared for. Every time I felt like I got my bearings, something else would come along and punch me in the throat.

 

The storm I had been weathering had finally wrapped up with an appearance by Hurricane Sandy(no pun intended lol)..I was in the midst of packing for my move the first of the month. As if packing 30yrs of my life up and living out of boxes wasn't enough of a struggle for the last month, I now had to do it with no power or heat, no hot water etc. If anything, being home alone with no power/internet/TV, you have a ton of time with your own thoughts...it can be a dangerous place but it can also be a place for reflection and a change in perspective. I couldn't be more anxious to move on...literally and figuratively. The stress and emotions have had me spinning and longing for the structure and sense of stability I haven't had for months.

I let life knock me down so hard that I was truly at a loss for a while. In times when you are at your lowest, people show their true colors..you really find out what people are made of and I am fortunate to have a group of people who love and care for me on a level that I never knew possible. It's easy to find people to cheer you on with all the "you go girl" bullshit when things are fabulous, but when you can't catch your breath, when you can't get up, the people who REALLY care about you are there to help you wallow for a bit, drown your stresses with ice cream...but then they help you get back up to keep fuckin fighting. I love all you bitches more than you know <3

 

Life is funny---

Things rarely happen the way you want or expect them to and while closing a book is never easy, it's sometimes even painful, the opportunity to write a new one is beautiful and empowering...

 

 

Stop, drop and keep rolling along...

Ok, I've been slacking a bit....

Time to catch up!

Life has been throwing a few curve balls my way lately and it's kinda had my head spinning to be honest. I've thought about everything and anything, processed and now I'm moving forward...There are only so many things I can control and if I can't, I'll do what I always do...put one foot in front of the other (hell, sometimes I'm on my hands and knees) and keep on going!

 

I took a couple of days off from life..

Didn't give a shit about my diet, didn't train, no cardio..nada. I chilled, sat on my ass, slept late and let my body and mind recover..

 

Now, it's on!

I'm about 6.5wks away from my first power lifting meet! In taking a step back in looking at how my body is responding/feeling as well as how my lifts are progressing, I did for a hot second think about bailing since I won't be "ready" but that ain't my style and I'm game! Now, I have decided that this will NOT be a full meet. My squat is just not up to par, my hip flexibility and technique overall need work so maybe down the road but for this venture, I am leaning towards push/pull. I am definitely feeling good about my deadlift and while my bench is not quite where I want it, I still feel good so for now, I'm full force going push/pull but hell..with in the next few weeks, anything can happen but that is where my head (and more importantly my body) is right now. I do have goals in place, as far as numbers I would like to hit but at the end of the day, anything I bring to the platform will be a PR and a check on my bucket list...well, unless I totally bomb..which is my biggest fear :o)

 

And in the not so wonderful world of my fat ass.......................

 

It's time to stop fuckin around and tighten this shit up with a quickness. When I'm stressed, B&J make me feel better ;-) Imma stress eater and we all know how well that works...Mmmmhmm! Anywho, my goal is to drop about 10lbs, which really as long as I hit my macros and throw down in the gym, that will take care of itself. Ideally I would like to make weight to compete in the 132lb class but I'm not going to kill myself to do it, this is supposed to be for fun and I want to keep it that way..My mindset right now is to give my body PROPER fuel to perform..and everything else will fall into place.

 

Next time you hear from me, I'll be babbling about some PR's..(((crossing fingers)))

And that is a wrap....

BOOM! PR's and more.......

The last week or so things have been really moving in the right direction, overall. I have been doing my dynamic stretching, as well as rolling and clearly the proper warm up is making all the difference...I feel healthy and my body is performing..GO ME!

This week was chocked full of PR's which is an incredible feeling! I hit 240 on my squat, 135 on my bench and 285 on my deadlift...That pull made me giggle like a little girl, I was so excited! Both my squat and bench were spotted, IMO I needed to get deeper on my squat so technique (and hip flexibility) need work there and my bench technique really needs some tweaking..I still bench like a bodybuilder and not a power lifter so I am working on that. The PR on my deads was NOT pretty but I got it up for 2 single sets. Just a reminder, I only pull conventional..I get asked a lot about sumo and I can't to do it..It's just awkward and uncomfortable so Imma conventional girl all the way. 

Considering my concern over keeping my body healthy and needing to work on technique, I MAY just compete in deadlift only but still leaning towards push pull. Again, I have time to decide exactly what I want to do..for now, I'm training all out and will listen to my body. 

And the ever popular topic of my weight and body image........................
My weight is holding steady at roughly 145lbs and I'm 5'4" (for those who keep asking lol). While I am not "dieting" I am cleaning up my diet. I would like to tighten up a little bit but I'm not going to kill myself to do it...I'm just keeping the ice cream, cookies, brownies and candy out of my mouth....for a little bit anyway ;-) With the weather changing to fall, trying to get into my clothes from last year has been interesting....several belt loops have been lost, a pair of pants ripped by my ever growing ass and I got stuck trying to get a shirt on! As much as that kinda sucks, I'm pretty happy with my physique as a whole..My legs are coming up, back is thick and wide..delts are round and full...but, I would love it drop the belly fat/muffin top if I could :(  Now, on the bright side I have been able to get my weight belt on and off without assistance..YIPPEEEEEE!!!!!!

This week I'm going to be taking a much needed (and welcomed!) deload.. My body is sore and achy so I'll be working on technique a lot this week as well us upping my glutamine, BCAA, fish oils and joint supplements. A little active recovery does the body good =)))

X-frame is a-comin!

Here goes nothin...

As I mentioned in my last blog, I have set my sights on some new goals. The competitor in me WANTS to prep and get my ever-growing ass back on stage, but that is just not going to happen this year..I still have much work ahead before I am WP ready. My training for size and strength has been INCREDIBLE..I am hitting PR's and making gains with consistency, so I've decided to jump in and do something that I have wanted to do for a while but lacked the balls to go for....I've got my sights set on a Power Lifting meet this fall!

This is an idea I have kicked around for the last few years but never felt like my lifts were competitive enough to warrant stepping on the platform, but the reality is no matter what numbers I hit, it will be a PR and for me that's what this is all about. This is a personal journey for myself, a goal to cross off my list..a goal that uses my competitive energy towards something NOT dependent on how I look. Boy, that's a nice change of pace lol

As far as the deets are concerned, I haven't committed to a full meet yet...I'm thinking possibly push/pull or even dead lift only. It really all depends on how my body feels as I get closer to meet time. Many of you know that I was held back last year due to several injuries (back and ribs), so I'm trying to play this shit smart...but of course, I tweaked my back the other day :/ FML! Now, with that said after a visit with my chiro (Thanks Dr. Mike!) I've got some great warm up techniques to incorporate as well as stretching for my hips/low back and some PVC rolling..yeah, that shit hurts so fuckin good! 

I was fearful to take the leap and do this but I am fortunate to have so many awesome people in my corner that truly believe in me and help support and encourage me along the way. I am not working with a trainer or anything like that, this is just something I'm doing for ME..but, I do have some experienced people by my side whose brains I'm picking along the way...I'm lucky like that ;-)

Since I'm in a sense "prepping" I will definitely be updating my blog at least wkly, if not more..I'll be tracking my weight (not dieting but more of recomping if you will) since there are weight classes..oh joy! And I'll be updating on my lifts, PR's, reps...hell, maybe even some video!

Until next time....
xo

Goodbye Summer 2012

It's been quite some time since I've updated, so I've got a lot to catch up on...
Sit down, relax and here I go.....................

I wrapped up my competition season Memorial Day weekend, the official start of summer if you will. I pretty much spent the summer just having fun and enjoying myself after basically prepping for the first half of the year. Yeah, I have been busting it in the gym..training has been incredible and at least I've been putting all the calories I've been inhaling to work for me! My gains in the gym have been awesome, training off the charts but as far as following any sort of macro program..ummmm, big epic fail ;-) I do make sure to get enough protein daily but other than that...I've allowed myself to enjoy whatever the fuck I want! Browies, ice cream, even a few drinks here and there. Now, this weekend I celebrated my 30th birthday so that was the official end to my fatty cakes summer of reckless abandon...wrapped up with B&J Chubby Hubby...I went out in fat kid style :) Sure, I probably (LOL!) over did it here and there but life is too short to live in a fuckin bubble..I had a blast with my friends and that is more important than weighing out my chicken. Sure, I got a pot belly and I'll lose it, but a dessert crawl will be a memory forever <3

Now with all that fatness out of the way, today I am officially back on a clean-macro hitting diet. Not "dieting" as far as eating in a deficit or anything, but cleaning it up and aiming for a bit of a recomp. I've got eggs boiling and tilapia baking..It's game on! Gonna keep training for gains but definitely plan on tightening up a bit. I finally (GASP) stepped on the scale over the weekend..It was the first time in 3 months and holy shit was that scary! I kept putting it off but I finally did it and I was NOT prepared for that number looking back at me :(  As ugly as it was, I am typing this so I managed to survive..I am 5'4" and sitting at 144.4lbs! Now, that was after a 3am banana split so Imma say there's a wee bit of bloat and water retention going on....that's my story and I'm stickin to it!

I have to say, as much as I didn't wanna get on the scale I was urged to (ok more like harassed to!) but I'm glad that I did it. I know where I stand if you will and I can now get a better gauge of my progress moving forward. Ideally, I would like to maintain roughly 135lbs over the next few months all while fueling my body with HEALTHY foods and stepping it up even harder in the gym. Yes, I am MUCH softer (aka FATTER) than I would like to be right now, but the muscle I have put on has made a world of difference in how I am carrying the weight. So, the scale is a tool I will be using moving forward as it its crucial to my goals but it's not sending me off the cliff either..WIN!

My wheels are always turning and I've already begun to lay the ground work for my next goal...
Taking my training from the gym to the plat form!
Stay tuned for my next blog with all the deets!
xo

I'm still alive and babblin....

I'm alive!

Hot damn, seems like I haven't updated my blog in FOREVER!
Don't worry, I am still alive, kickin and bitchy as ever =)

My growth season in rolling right along, just as everything in life..a roller coaster of ups and downs.

As far as my training is concerned, I am still running 5/3/1 and my progress is off the fuckin charts!!! I'm pretty much hitting PR's on the regular...Just this week alone, I hit 115lbs on my bench, 250lb on my dead lift and 225lb on my squat all for triples..HELL FUCKIN YEAH!!!!!! With the exception of my core lifts, I have been doing more lighter weights and higher reps to mix things up. To me, "high rep" has always been 12-15..but, the past few months, I have been hitting as many as 20-30 depending on the exercise and lemme tell you..my muscles are like WTF!?!?!? It's definitely exhausting, different than I have ever trained before but my body is responding and that is undeniable. I am fortunate to train around like-minded people, and their influence cannot be measured...Like a man, ladies...a good spotter is hard to find and can make all the difference ;-) My body is taking a beating, I'm feeling it daily, so I am definitely making sure my supplementation is on point. Glutamine, BCAA's, Fish Oil etc (thank you sweet baby Jesus for CN and their incredible products!)..keeping hydrated as well as getting plenty of rest. I also got in to see my chiro, which I need to get back to doing on the regular and Imma start foam rolling too..I've got to take care of my machine.

As always, the place where I tend to struggle is my diet..
I'm training hard as fuck and my body is HUNGRY! While I know I gotta fuel it to grow, I also don't need to eat like a sumo wrestler...that is a line I struggle with cause this bitch can put away some food! So, I'm learning along the way..making tweaks etc. I tried this whole "listen to my body, eat when hungry" sort of thing but ummm..fuck that! I don't have hunger/fullness cues..so Imma keep eating LOL! Right now, I'm keeping my protein intake higher, carbs a moderate 'cycle'..less on rest days and more on training days, while keeping my fats consistent. My biggest hurdle is stress..Some people have no appetite when stressed, Me? I wish! I am an emotional stress eater. When life stresses me out, I put sweets in my pie hole so I'm working on getting that under wraps. When I'm in the "right" mindset, I can make smart, healthy yet still delicious decisions..even if they aren't "on plan". Overall, I have more good days than bad so I gotta give myself props for that. The reality is, I gotta fuckin LIVE and I'm not going to be on a "prep" type diet year-round..been there, done that..nofuckinthankyou! So, balance and moderation....a never ending quest.

And, finally......weight and body image update ((eye roll)) lol
I am asked, pretty much daily (how weird is that!??) how much I weigh! I still haven't stepped on the scale...since June 3rd! I can SEE the size that I've put on, both lean mass and fluff, so I really have no need for the scale to tell me that I've gained weight. My clothes are telling the story...I pretty much LIVE in my gym clothes cause aside from that, not much fits me. Even my "fitted" t-shirts, I've been cutting the sleeves off cause they strangle my delts LOL! I have good days and bad..I love the shape my body is taking..My delts are round and full, my back is wide and thick, my legs have come up a ton and my booty is round..that makes me THRILLED! Of course, I could live without the jiggly belly tho:( As someone who's "tiny waist" has been my calling card so to speak, losing it really blows but, with the added size I'm putting on..it's all about the illusion anyway, not to mention throwing down some PR's helps me ignore my expanding waistline (repeats to myself daily lol).

WHEW!
Apparently, I had quite a bit to babble on about...
Until next time :)

My perspective on body image..

I've been getting countless messages/comments lately from women who have given me the most amazing compliments...that I am source of inspiration and motivation for them!

That blows my mind, which has prompted me to write this post.....

I don't really possess much of a filter from my brain to my mouth, so I tend to be raw and honest..some like it, some don't but that's just me. My struggles with body image isn't something that I am ashamed of or afraid to talk about. Let's be fuckin real...anyone in the physique world has some sort of image/insecurity issues to begin with, it's part of what drives us. For some reason, MOST people don't like to talk about it..well, I ain't one of them :)

The balance between being competition ready and being in growth mode (I hate the word "bulk") can be a tough one. I have been through several 'off seasons' over the years and each one, while I still struggle, it gets a bit easier and I embrace it a more. The reality is we CANNOT be show ready 24/7/365...and who wants to!?! If you really think about what we go through the last few weeks of prep to really dial it in and how we feel...physically and mentally...who the fuck wants that year round?!?! Yes, I looooooooooove to be conditioned..veins, striations..SEXY but I also love having energy, feeling strong and healthy. The key is loving your 'off season' self just as much...and allowing yourself to LIVE. To keep that ripped body we all love, means hardcore, strict, prep-like dieting and I'm sorry to all the diet Nazis out there but I want to have dessert...I want to go out to dinner and NOT bring my Tupperware, I know...crazy, sue me!

Now, with that said...I still have my highs and lows with it all. Right now, I am a wee bit softer than I would like to be. My strength is through the roof, I'm hitting PR's in the gym and making fantastic gains to my physique...So, while I may be softer, I am not SLOPPY and that is important to me. You see some competitors that don't even look like they train unless they are "prepping"..well, as for myself, the 'off season' is a prep of sorts..I am building and creating the package that I will eventually bring to the stage. There are the high days, when I'm pumped/full and feeling like a beast in the gym...then there are the lows days, when I can't fit into some clothes or when I see that my waist is now a muffin top and not 22" and I am literally begging for it to be fall so I can hide under a hoodie..yes, I have days where I wanna cry (and sometimes I do)..There are days where I just want to prep and get this fuckin fat off ASAP and then days where I say 'fuck it' and have brownies and ice cream...so I do!

I received the most amazing compliment, that just made me smile...

I was thanked for posting 'off season' pictures, not just photo shoot/comp pics but "REAL", everyday me pics and that I have shown how to be fit, healthy and beautiful in the off season...That made my jaw drop. It just goes to show that we don't see ourselves how others do. I look in the mirror and see a girl who still struggles with balancing it all...diet, body fat, clothing..pinching my belly etc...yet, that isn't how others see me.

At the end of the day WE all struggle with body image in some form, most just don't admit it...but to those who think someone else has it 'all together'..I call bullshit! Just sayin..

Sometimes, I just have to remind myself what my goals are and what I have to do to get there. Is it easy? Sometimes..others, it's hard as fuck but again, it's a matter of perspective and looking at the bigger picture. 

So, no..

I'm far from having it all together but each day I am a little bit closer...

Kickin addictions and hitting PR's

I have to say right now, I'm mentally in a pretty solid place with my off season. Things are going really well and I am thrilled with my progress thus far. While I do have some help and guidance, going at it alone isn't always easy..it leads to a lot of second guessing myself and what I'm doing but overall, I am definitely on an upswing.

My training is fuckin bangin..I am nailing it!

5/3/1 in my opinion is such an incredible program to run..I make such great gains, in strength and the size I'm putting on. It seems crazy, but I literally feel like I am hitting a PR every day in the gym..whether it's with the weight, or reps..I'm always surpassing something I've done in the past and that is a fuckin awesome feeling and just keeps me that much more motivated. Some notable PR's were most recently 215lbs squat for 3, 115lbs flat bench for a single (no spotter, I definitely had more in me!), 95lbs BB press for 5....hmmmm, I think that's all off the top of my head. I know I've been hitting rep PR's on things like lateral raises, dips etc.. I have also been keeping up with my cardio, lifting ALWAYS my top priority so if there's no time for cardio than so be it but I'm definitely getting a few solid sessions in each week.

 

In my last post, I mentioned my attempt at kicking my addiction and let's be fuckin real..wicked dependency on uppers and downers. I am proud to say that I have cut back a TON!!! As far as my stimulants go, I am no longer poppin fat burners and washing them down with energy drinks..GO ME! The only stimulates I am having right now is a couple of scoops of Adrenol8 before I train and maybe a diet soda or SMALL energy drink in the afternoon but even that isn't daily. The crash sucked, I felt like a fuckin train hit me for a few days but I'm feeling good. As hard as that has been to kick, the downers..or sleeping pills have been just as hard. I don't do RX, which I know a few people have asked me about..I'm all about OTC..but of course as the body adapts, I was talking handfuls every night :o) I cut them COLD TURKEY! So, I now lay down and get to sleep with just Muscle Nitro PM...without Benadryl, Unisom, Advil PM's etc..It has been rough though, but overall while it takes me longer to fall asleep..my quality of sleep is better and I don't feel hungover in the morning...and don't need stims to get me going...see how that little cycle works..funny huh?!

 

And in other musings bouncing around in my head...

*Weight: Don't have a fuckin clue

*Why can't I make veggies taste the way the Chinese restaurants do?!!?

*Over this summer heat and my 2+gal of water a day..

*Crystal Lite Mojito and Appletini need alcohol

*It's Aug 5th..Where did this year go?!!!

Late night musings.............

I'm almost 2mo into my growth/improvement season and overall, I have to say things are really coming along well. My training is progressing with each workout, be it in strength or endurance..the PR's are coming. My body is responding really well to 5/3/1, which is with out a doubt my favorite program to run. I feel that I am able to SEE my physique objectively when it comes to the areas that I need to bring up etc..My symmetry is pretty solid, so the focus is really putting on as much size as I can while still keeping the pleasing shape and lines that I have...so far, so fuckin good! 


As much as I've been nailing it in the weight room, I have been slacking in the kitchen...I know, big fuckin shocker ((eye roll)). While I do have my macros laid out as far as the numbers I want to hit, I am definitely doing a lot of trial and error as far as giving myself some freedom...admitidly sometimes too much lol. My hunger is through the roof which to me says this bitch is growing and I gotta keep it fed..so I was trying a little eating by feel as opposed to eating by the clock or spreadsheet...yeah, I dont recognize "fullness" cues so that didnt really work too well :o) So, while I'm not trying to be hella-prep strict I do need to tighten shit up cause I'm a wee bit too soft right now. 


One thing I have decided to tackle is my addiction to uppers and downers LOL! I am a caffeine/stim junky...fat burners, energy drinks, pre workouts etc..I literally am all jacked up from the moment I wake up....then to go to sleep, I'm not going to bullshit ya, I love me some sleep aids...So I'm running on energy boosters all day, then I gotta bring myself down to get any sleep. Clearly, this is NOT a healthy thing to be weighing on my body 24/7 so I have been slowly cutting back...Not cutting out yet, cause the crash and withdrawl is WICKED! I have cut back significantly, and hopefully within the next few weeks I will actually lay down and go to sleep like a normal person...not like the junky that I am...I know it and own it :) 


Again, the quest for scale avoidance is still underway! It's been almost 2 months since I stepped on it and I'm definitely tempted to..I'm thinking another few weeks and I may give it a whirl. My clothes are getting a little too tight, in not all the right areas lol so I know I gotta drop a little fluff. I also plan on taking REAL progress pics within the next few weeks too,...but here are a few classic mirror shots to hold ya over til then...cause I know you are on the edge of your seats! 


Please forgive me for my retarded babbling...I'm up past my bed time, damn sleeping pills :/

Strength is mental and physical...

One of the struggles that I have always faced is the balance of an off season...Prepping, I do so well..It's a fucked up gift of obsession and compulsion that I have...being "normal" well, yeah I pretty much suck at that lol. There is a line between soft and sloppy and I have definitely been walking it tightly but over the last week or so I feel like I'm rolling along and focused again.

My diet is on point, keeping my body fueled towards performance and recovery. My appetite is through the fucking roof..I am literally ALWAYS hungry :/ Let's hope that means baby gurl is getting swole LOL! I'm keeping my protein intake high with carbs and fats moderate. One thing that I am uber excited about is my training! I started running 5/3/1 again and while I'm only almost through my first wave, I feel fantastic and most importantly, I am HEALTHY! I have no nagging injuries, no aches and pains..training feels incredible again. I haven't hit any major PR's yet, but there is no doubt they are just around the corner. I've also been getting my cardio sessions in on the regular..I pretty much hate it, would rather do anything else but hey, if I didn't slack in the kitchen then I wouldn't have to be hitting the treadmill. Overall, after a slight tumble I am back in the swing of things and feeling good in the direction things are going in.

I have been getting a lot of questions from people who see me in person or in pics via FB or whatever...People, ok...other women are always asking how much I weigh! I can still say I don't know..for realz, I haven't stepped on the scale since the first of June and I really don't foresee myself doing it anytime soon. I can see and feel the changes I am making in my physique, I am adding size where I want and when I'm feeling fluffy in other areas, I don't need the scale to tell me. For the most part, the clothes I wear on the regular are still fitting me so until I attempt to put on a pair of jeans I will refrain from any panic attacks. I know how quickly I can become a slave to the scale and that magic number, as much as I am curious..it's not worth the insanity. 

So here's to eating, training and growing...

The only numbers that matter on the one's in the gym :)

For who? For what?

Warning: Imma rant for a hot second....

Even though I may be in my "off season" one of the things I love to do is attend competitions and support my friends as they take their ride in this crazy sport that I adore. I've attended quite a few shows this summer and one thing I really cannot stand is all the bitching and complaining about the sport from the people who CHOOSE...yes, CHOOSE to compete.


Bodybuilding, is not like other sports...it's subjective. What one person likes, another doesnt...One panel of judges prefers one look, while another panel will reward a completly different look. While yes, we all want to win..That's what makes us competitiors, there comes a point where you have to look at the bigger picture and whats really important to you. Does placing all your self worth on a plastic trophy really make you happy?!?!? I hear people whine and complain about everything they "gave up" to get on stage and they still didn't win..If it makes you miserable, if you're not enjoying the experience then why the fuck are you doing it??! The reality is, we are getting on stage in a teeny tiny suit ASKING to be judged on our bodies...Why complain when you don't like what you hear? Sure, it's not always pleasant..but overall it should be a rewarding experience.


As far as myself is concerned, yes..I LOVE this sport and I am crazy competitive. Anyone who knows me, knows that I am a perfectionist and I want to be the best at everything I do..I don't care if its fuckin mini golf (which I suck at BTW) or a game of Candy Land..I wanna fuckin win! I live the bodybuilding lifestyle everyday, but I'm not on stage everyday..Seriously, we get a hot second on stage. I will NEVER be miserable and unhappy with my appearance just to bring the package that could "win" or just to please someone else, I can't worry about what people think of me..I have to love me...I will bust my ass to bring MY best, if it doesn't win, am I disappointed? Of course I am, but I have to live in my skin 24/7/365 and I will not bring a physique to the stage that I am not happy with or proud of just for a trophy. I will bust my ass in gym and in the kitchen to have the look that I desire, the look that I find beautiful when I stand in front of the mirror..Regardless of what anyone thinks.  

While this rant was physique or bodybuilding oriented, the simple principle of "Do what makes YOU happy" really applies to all aspects of life. Everyday we make tons of choices, sure in a perfect world they would all be easy and life would be a ball of fuckin sunshine but that isnt realistic...sometimes shit just sucks lol But, overall in the grand scheme of things, if your choices be it bodybuilding or anything else arent making you smile then what the fuck are you doing and why are you doing it?! Life is too short to be miserable...Yes, I will bitch..rant and complain but at the end of the day nobody has a gun to my head MAKING me do anything...I love what I do, I smile and I'm happy.

Now, feel free to flame me and all that good shit...lol
Til then, I leave you with this little diddy.....

One month down.......

Boy, I am really sucking at this whole off season blog thing..EEEK! 

Anywho..the first month of my off season is wrap and it was quite a learning experience to say the least. Overall I am happy with the gains and progress that I am making..I'm fuller, thicker and stronger..training is fun again :)) On the downside, I am getting a bit softer/fluffier than I would like so that's gotta change effective immediately. 


As far as my training goes, I'm going to be running 5/3/1 again. I did this last off season (til I got injured) and the gains were fantastic..both strength and size. Physically, I am feeling AMAZING so I'm excited to see what I can do on this program with my body performing at 100% for the first time in a long time. One area that I have been slacking in is the cardio...FML! When not prepping, not having a show in sight..I'm quick to bail on a cardio session cause I hate it so much but I've gotta get back to it and tighten up a bit..fuck, my heart is an important muscle too, gotta keep it in shape!


I'm also going to be making some slight tweaks to my diet. Nothing crazy or drastic but I've been pretty loose lately and quite frankly, it's showing. I'm keeping my protein intake high but will be making a little drop in my carbs which should get me where I want to be..I'll be shooting for 185-200g of Protein, 85-150g Carbs and 45g Fat. There is a line between being full, thick and soft...or squishy and sloppy...I am currently teetering on the line, leaning towards squishy :/ When I gain too much shit weight, it goes right to my waist and face...the cheeks are getting round so it's time to reign it in. 


Now, with all that being said..the plan is in place for the next few weeks to see how my body responds. I still have NOT stepped on the scale..I thought about it for a few but decided against it. I really dont need the mind fuck right now. My clothes are still fitting..getting snug in the mostly the right places (booty and legs) but the waist is eh, getting uncomfortable so no need to add the scale to that mix...yet, but I do plan on checkin in with it in a few so stay tuned for what will no doubt be an interesting moment LOL!


And just to make this post a wee bit more entertaining...
Here are a few recent pics to give ya a little idea of what I'm werkin with!

Balance FTW!

Even though I'm really only a few weeks into the full swing of my off season, things are really going well. As much as I love having my plan in place, I'm also making a few tweaks here and there just based on how I'm looking and more importantly how I'm feeling.

As far as my training is concerned, I really couldnt be happier with how I'm progressing. It feels AMAZING to be back in the gym, on the regular and challenging myself with each workout. I'm not hitting any PR's...yet, but with just a few weeks under my belt, I have no doubt that they are just around the corner.  I'm really learing to listen to my body a lot more then I have in the past...So, while I have a "routine" per say, some days the bady can handle more than others and I'm just going with it. When it comes to cardio, I'm getting it in if I have time but definitely not going out of my way to do so ;-) I say the less I can get away with doing, the better but yeah..I've been slackin'

I have to admit, the most stressful part of this nutty lifestyle that I adore so much is the diet. I tend to over analyze and quite frankly panic like a motherfucker over EVERYTHING! I'm usually very all or nothing with my diet...I'm either nailing my macros or eating everything that isnt nailed down. I'm very pleased that I have been in a rockin place of BALANCE! I'm prepping my foods and all the good stuff, but if I'm going out to eat it's no biggie, I make a decent decision and sometimes even a naughty one :-P This is my life and I'm happily LIVING it. One of the changes I have made was to increase my protein intake each day..I've got growing to do and this machine needs it. As I said before, I am not working with my coach/trainer currently but I am fortunate to have some help and insight along the way so I feel confident in the slight changes I'm making.

And in other random, yet exciting news....
I am currently weighing in at---I have no fuckin clue! Yep, I still have not stepped foot on the scale..that fucker is down in my basement where it belongs. If I had to guess, I would say that I am roughly 115-120ish but again, I can honestly say I don't know and I don't care. My mirror says I'm doing well and things are moving in the right direction. I look full but still tight and I feel strong..at the end of the day that is all that matters. Sure, I wish my tummy/waist were a bit tighter as it's definitely softer than I would like but I'm not throwing myself off a bridge over it either. Even when I have those "fat" moments, I check the facts and there is no possible way for me to be fat when I'm still a size 1..and that is that!

And with that, I'll wrap it up til next time..........

A woman with a plan!

Ok, I have totally been sucking with the whole off season blog thing LOL! 

But, anywho....

Here is a little recap of life thus far!

I am LOVING life!

One of the biggest changes of my off season is for the first time since I began my competition journey, I am not working with a coach. In all honesty, I would if I could but a trainer/coach is a luxury that I cannot afford right now but I have been very fortunate to have worked WITH (yes, with) someone who didn't just tell me what to do, he educated me and gave me the knowledge and confidence to navigate my way on my own. And of course, if I get a little crazy, Joe is always just a text/email away :) But one bright side is no more weekly check ins and NO progress pics! YAY!!!!!!

When putting together my training/diet program, I of course ran it by the boss to get the OK! See...it's just habit after all these years LOL! I'm running a 4 day split again, love having 2 leg days and since I'm 100% healthy (physically speaking) I'm very excited to get back into really squatting and dead lifting again!!!! As far as the dreaded cardio goes, after prepping for so long I am not just going to cut all cardio immediately. Right now I am still doing 4 sessions a week, only about 30mins or so. When it comes to the diet, this is the area that I always struggle with but I am THRILLED to say that things are moving along with relative ease. Since I'm coming off of prep, I did a moderate increase to my macros...Hitting 45g Fat and 150g Protein each day and 170g/100g of carbs on training and rest days. 

One of my main goals is to STAY OFF THE SCALE! I weighed myself at the start of my program (June 1st) and the scale has not seen the light of day since. I'm using my clothing and the mirror as my gauge...If I'm fitting in my jeans (which I am) and I like the way I look (which I do) then that number really means nothing. Let's be real, if I'm fuckin up and getting fat...I know it and don't need a little box to tell me that. I'm a crazy bitch, I know it and I own it..so yeah, I have days..sometimes moments where I feel fluffy and a little squishy but I can honestly say that I am happy with the look I have right now and I'm comfortable in my own skin. And that ladies and gentlemen is a HUGE mutherfuckin win!

My program in a nutshell is geared toward adding overall lean mass and keeping shit TIGHT!

I'm running my current training/cardio and macro plan for the month of June, then I will take a look at things...reevaluate and see what changes need to be made or if I'm just going to say the course.

June Plan of Attack: 

Training:  4 Day Split (Quads/Calves, Chest/Tris, Back/Hams, Delt/Bi)

Cardio:   4 30min Sessions per week (2 SS and 2 HIIT)

Macros : 45g Fat/100g Carb/150g Pro (rest days)

                45g Fat/170g Carb/150g Pro (training days)

Supplements: See Pic :)

What's up?! What's next?!

I've been getting quite a few emails/PM's etc asking if I'm going to continue blogging, what's going on with my competition plans and all that good shit.

 

Since my 2012 competition season is a wrap, I've had plenty of time for reflection as well as really deciding on what my next plan of action should be. I know to most, saying that my 2012 season is over and June has only just begun sounds pretty nutty. I poured my heart and soul..gave my everything into prepping for the IFPA Pro Bowl and I couldn't have scripted it any better. I brought the best package I've ever presented and I took the stage with people whom I respect and admire...The cherry on top was placing 4th in my class. Overall that weekend was the perfect culmination of a journey that started in 2010.

 

Just 3 weeks after the Pro Bowl, I kicked off the heels and jumped into the NPC Women's Physique Division. I was scared out of my mind and kept thinking "WTF are you doing?" but, it ended up being a good learning experience. Obviously, throwing it all together in a few weeks is NOT my style but at the same time, I actually surprised myself. As someone who never performed a day in her life, I just wanted to survive it and not make a fool of myself. Well, turns out that I did more than survive it..I really enjoyed it. All of it..the posing, the routine..everything.

 

Since I have really fallen in love with WPD, I have decided to put the heels aside and see what I'm capable of barefoot :) I have qualified to compete at the National Level but I know I am far from bringing a competitive physique to the national stage. I know a lot of people do show after show..as many as they can fit into a season but that just doesn't work for me and my goals. Do I love competing?? Absolutely! But I have learned how valuable time "off" can be..both physically and mentally.

 

So I can sit back and look at what the first half of 2012 has brought and I am happy with what I've achieved, what goals I reached and what fears I conquered.

My focus for now is to eat, train my ass off, rest and GROW!!!

 

Since this isn't a "prep" blog, who knows how often I'll update or if it's even worth reading...

Feel free to hop along for what will no doubt be another fucked up ride in my crazy head!

 

All aboard.........