Meltdown! Of my sanity, not my fat...

I've been in my new place and settled for 3 weeks now, I am FINALLY in the routine again. 
I'm basically back on auto pilot. Food prep, supplements, carrying my cooler instead of a purse, hitting the gym consistently, working, sleeping and repeat..I am running on all cylinders again and it feels FABULOUS!

Unfortunately it's going to take time for my body to catch up to my mind. I have to remind myself (and I have wonderful friends who do as well lol) that it took me about 6-8wks to put the shit weight on so it's going to take some time to get off :/ FUCKER! I'm not "dieting" per se but I'm counting/weighing and measuring, hitting my macros and stepping up the intensity in the gym. My training has been decent, nothing mind blowing..no PR's or anything exciting like that. I've been doing more higher rep work since I'm still too fat for my belt..Seriously! I do miss squatting and deadlifting heavy but til I drop some fluff, Imma take it a little bit lighter. My strength and endurance are coming back, not quite to where I was a few months ago but I'm on my way.

And now for the part where I sound like a crazy bitch............

This weekend I had a slight (or severe..potato, potahto) meltdown. It's been a month since I attempted to put on anything other than gym clothes...yeah, that didn't go so well :/  I don't own a single pair of pants that fit...literally, 15 pairs of pants (10 of them jeans, 2 of which I have previously ripped) and not a single pair could I button and that's if I even managed to get them over my ass. Yeah, I sat in a pile of clothes on my floor and cried....then back into the sweats I went. After a few panicked text/FB messages and a roommate who looked at me like I had lost my mind (as if I ever had it) I decided to just break down and buy new jeans :( That was about as much fun as sticking a rusty nail in my eyeballs! Shopping is a blast when you look and feel good...when it's cause you HAVE to, not so much. At any rate, I did find 2 pairs...in a size I have NEVER even tried on, let alone purchased...they were cheap cause I do NOT intend on wearing them for long. But, at least I wont be living in my gym clothes anymore. As far as tops go, thank fuckin' sweet baby Jesus for fall and hoodie weather cause if I get stuck in one more of my shirts Imma kill someone..

 
Anywho, I had my meltdown, I ranted and now I just make fun of myself...

The fire is back....

Suuuuup bitches!

In my last post, I pretty much got a lot of shit off my chest with the mess that had been my life for the last few months...Now, it's time to move forward.

While I was mentally and emotionally in a dark place, I let life rob me of my love and my passion...Bodybuilding. Over the course of 6 weeks or so, I missed more days in the gym than I made and even when I got there, my training was lack luster to say the least. My diet and supplementation were nothing short of fuckin HORRENDOUS! Barely training, eating on the go...whatever and whenever I wanted is a recipe for disaster and even I am shocked at the repercussions that I suffered.

I lost a tremendous amount of strength and stamina, my body was in pretty consistent pain/achiness. I went from getting in at LEAST 2 gallons of water a day (with ease) to running on energy drinks (and some alcoholic beverages lol)..on a good day, I'd get 2L of water.,.that leads to a beat up, dehydrated body. Since I wasn't training or feeding my body well, I wasn't taking my supplements consistently either...I felt like I had been hit by a bus :( Being fat is no fuckin joke..I put on roughly 20lbs of shit weight and it is dragging me down...physically and mentally. I say "roughly" 20lbs because I feel no need to weigh myself right now..my clothes don't fit, I look sloppy as fuck and my body is performing like it too.

Now, I am settled again..I have a consistent routine down and I am back on track. I've got a solid week of nutrition, supplementation and training under my belt. With in just a week of getting at least 1-1.5 gallons of water in and all my daily supplementation in, I physically feel MUCH better. My joints, muscles..etc, everything has improved. So people who claim that supplements are "useless" are full of shit IMO...but it's my blog and my opinion is the one that counts :) My daily staples include: Champion Nutrition Power Glutamine and Creatine, CN Fish Oil, Performance BCAA, Multi-V, Pro Flex Advance Joint support, Liver Cleanse and Muscle Nitro PM.

As much as the struggling I was dealing with fuckin sucked, beyond belief...I finally got up. I'm back on my feet and I found my fire again. I had been out of the loop for a while now and I have my work cut out for me, it's going to take time for my body to respond of course, but with my head and my heart in aligned...anything is possible and I am unstoppable.

I'm still alive...

It's been a long time since I've posted/updated my blog and it's about time I catch up...

The last few months have been nothing short of a roller coaster ride that I wanted to jump off of, the last 6 weeks in particular have been some of the most difficult of my life. Life has thrown me some curve balls that I wasn't prepared for. Every time I felt like I got my bearings, something else would come along and punch me in the throat.

 

The storm I had been weathering had finally wrapped up with an appearance by Hurricane Sandy(no pun intended lol)..I was in the midst of packing for my move the first of the month. As if packing 30yrs of my life up and living out of boxes wasn't enough of a struggle for the last month, I now had to do it with no power or heat, no hot water etc. If anything, being home alone with no power/internet/TV, you have a ton of time with your own thoughts...it can be a dangerous place but it can also be a place for reflection and a change in perspective. I couldn't be more anxious to move on...literally and figuratively. The stress and emotions have had me spinning and longing for the structure and sense of stability I haven't had for months.

I let life knock me down so hard that I was truly at a loss for a while. In times when you are at your lowest, people show their true colors..you really find out what people are made of and I am fortunate to have a group of people who love and care for me on a level that I never knew possible. It's easy to find people to cheer you on with all the "you go girl" bullshit when things are fabulous, but when you can't catch your breath, when you can't get up, the people who REALLY care about you are there to help you wallow for a bit, drown your stresses with ice cream...but then they help you get back up to keep fuckin fighting. I love all you bitches more than you know <3

 

Life is funny---

Things rarely happen the way you want or expect them to and while closing a book is never easy, it's sometimes even painful, the opportunity to write a new one is beautiful and empowering...