Thursday, June 12, 2014

Playing catch up

Apparently, I am long overdue for a post....
I had no idea it's been this long since I last updated (nor did I really think anyone cared lol). However, I have received quite a few messages, texts or even running into people asking how things are going..which I have to admit, is kinda surprising but at the same time, the support in this sport is one of the most amazing and underrated aspects of it. 

In my last post I was 9 weeks out from Team U, several weeks ago I made the decision to put the breaks on this prep. This was NOT an easy decision and one that I REALLY struggled with making. I kept going back and forth in my mind..would I be feeling this way if I were ahead of schedule? Would things be different if I stepped up my game at 12 weeks out when I knew I was behind instead of "trusting the process" and feeling like I just wasted time?? **bangs head repeatedly** Since my first prep in 2008, I have NEVER not followed matter what I always made it happen. Throughout my previous posts, I had expressed my concerns over my progress (or lack thereof), knowing my conditioning was behind where I needed to be. Now, sitting at what would be 3 weeks out I'm sorta having mixed emotions, kicking myself..thinking "UGH! I could have done it"..Having moments of being disappointed in myself for "giving up" or "quitting" blah, blah, fuckin blah and all that shit but the truth is, if I wanted to, REALLY wanted to, I would have, I'd do whatever I needed to, regardless if it was "smart" or not..Could I have killed myself to make it happen? Sure..did I want to? No. 

The reality is that sure prep is tough and there are days that suck but overall it should be fun, it should be a rewarding experience..otherwise, why do it? I was definitely stressing a TON..not just prep, but life. Working OT, car problems, vet visits with Bee Bee (and vet bills piling up! EEK!) and a likely move in the fall, kinda made prep feel like one more chore on my plate and I didn't want it to be like that, it shouldn't be like that. As I rolled along and knew that I was behind, I kinda began to kick into panic mode, felt like I was running like a chicken with my head cut off..Sure, 6 or 4 weeks out but to be feeling that way at 10-8 weeks? So I took a step back and weighed my options..what's it all worth?..A few days off from diet and training to just mentally get myself right and once I decided to put prep on the shelf for now, my stress levels immediately dropped. I began sleeping better, my mood was better, I was enjoying the gym and even cardio again..It wasn't something I HAD to do, it was something I WANT to do..that's is how it's supposed to be. It was clear I just needed to listen to my body and my heart. I don't half ass ANYTHING...When I'm in, I'm ALL IN or not at all. 

So, after a brief pity party I kept trucking on. As far as where things are now and where I go from here...I'm just doing what I do. I'm hitting the gym, enjoying training and getting my cardio sessions in...feeling better, not quite so out of shape anymore..well, expect when I use the stepmill, talk about humbling lol I'm also still dieting..I didn't just throw my hands up and eat ice cream...ok, maybe a lil bit SHHHH!!!! While, I am not "prepping" necessarily, just getting in shape, cutting down to see all that I built over the winter and while I have a ways to go still, I'm feeling really good with where my physique is right now and the shape it's taking. The truth is, on the East Coast, there are shows EVERY weekend, so depending how my body wants to play along (and life of course) who knows what's in store for the fall..

The bottom line is, stage or no stage, this is my lifestyle, it's what I do and I wouldn't have it any other way. 

Thank you to everyone who has reached out to check in with me, offer support etc..I've got a really fantastic group of people in my life. 
And that about wraps up things in a nutshell...

Last Weekend@Diamond Gym
147-148lbs (ish)

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